Parents: Creating a Healthy Environment (Part II)

Excellence is about Attitude.
Attitude is about Environment.
Parents influence the Environment.

By Roberto Forzoni MSc CEng MCIBSE BASES

It is not easy to be a good parent and, it is even harder to be a good parent of a competitive tennis player. To know what is best to do and say, and when to say and do it, is not easy. It can be quite daunting for parents who have not been involved in the tennis scene. There are a lot of questions to ask and often quite a lot of people who are only too prepared to offer you their answers! Many problems arise because parents are unsure of the best way to help their child and so use their natural instincts, which can often lead to ineffective and sometimes destructive solutions. For example, to try and increase the confidence of their child prior to a match, just before going on the pitch to warm-up, a parent might say, “Go on Robbie, just do your best. You know you’re better than your opponent, so just go and show it!” On the face of it this sounds quite encouraging, but if you are Robbie, you may feel a little bit of pressure as you are now aware that a comparison is about to be made by your parents between you your opponent about which one of you will be able to control the game

CONSISTENT FEEDBACK

What are the questions you ask when your child comes home after playing a match? is it “Did you win?”, “What was the score?”, or “How did you play ”. Be careful, after asking the more performance oriented question of, “How did you play?”, that you receive a performance oriented answer rather than the often heard response of, “Oh, I lost 2-6, 0-6”, or “I won 2 and 1”. One then has to be careful to not be satisfied with the, “I won 2 and 1” response more than the “Oh, I lost 2 and love” version. To allow the player to fully understand that performance is key and that the ‘match isn’t over until the lesson has been learnt’, the same amount of searching for feedback and lessons learned, need to be elicited whether your child has won or lost, played well or poorly. Far too often there is more feedback asked for and offered by parents after a victory than a loss.
Avoid using the word “we”, such as “We have a game on Friday” or “We played well today”. After all it is their match, their practice, their tennis.

DECREASE THE 'BUT' - INCREASE THE 'AND'

Try and decrease your use of the word ‘but’ and increase your use of the word ‘and’. For example, “You played well John, but if you can get more shots deep earlier then that would help” to be replaced with, “You played well John, and if you can get more shots deep earlier then that would help”. It is often said by using the word, ‘but’, that the words before it have then been reduced in importance. In the example given, the ‘but’ detracts from the positive part of the feedback. The ‘played well’ is now not heard. All the young tennis now hears is the instructional part of the feedback, and because it was preceded by a ‘but’, the players’ confidence is momentarily lowered and he then perceives the neutral statement of ‘if you can get more shots deep earlier then that would help’, as negative and slightly critical. Whereas, using the word, ‘and’, maintains the positive feelings of competence from the first part of the feedback, whilst giving more self-confidence to the player by providing them with hope and the perception that they can get even better. In summary, ‘buts’ tend to take away, whereas as ‘ands’ tend to add on.

FEEDBACK ON EFFORT

Beliefs about the causes of success are fundamental to the understanding of achievement motivated behaviour in sport. Ego orientation is closely related with beliefs that ‘ability’ is to be honored and valued, whereas it is effort that is prized within a task orientation. If parents are able to help players believe that success in sport is due to persistence and effort, which is controllable, rather than simply ability, which is often perceived as uncontrollable (especially in the short term), then players will perceive that there is always hope. Hope brings confidence and an ability to bounce-back after set-backs. Effort is also a quality that is transferable into other areas of a players’ life rather than merely a skill, which is confined to the tennis court. It is also an attribute, which is fundamental to improving as a tennis player. One of the best opportunities a parent has of instilling the concept that effort is to be truly honored and valued, is providing some critical feedback to the player and / or team after success has been achieved, but through low effort. Taking this ‘golden opportunity’ will help the player(s) to recognize that the process is more valued than the outcome.

EFFECTIVE GOALSETTING

One of the most significant actions you can take as a parent is to change tennis into a ‘personal best’ sport so giving your child more of a ‘personal best’ mentality. Sports in which performance can be easily and accurately measured and recorded, such as athletics, gymnastics, swimming, golf, allow participants to experience considerable success and feelings of confidence even though they may not win. Putting systems into place, which can enable your child to strive to improve their personal best performance will encourage your child to have a greater sense of control over what happens and will provide far greater opportunities for building their self-confidence. One of the most effective ways to do this is to work together with your child to set some short-term SMART goals.

“What can parents do to create an appropriate environment for their child so that their child will have the best chance of developing a healthy attitude toward competition and tennis?”

COACH/PARENT WORKING ALLIANCE – SHOWING EMPATHY

As a coach, it may be best to look to involve parents and work with them rather than to exclude them. The perception and spirit of this interaction is perhaps most appropriately encompassed in comparing the following two titles of workshops on parents in sport: One was titled, ‘Dealing with parents’, and the other, ‘Working with parents’. Implicit in the wording of the first title is a certain defensive, almost confrontational tone and approach, compared with the second, which suggests more of a collaborative standpoint.
Being a tennis parent is not easy. If coaches can show empathy for this then the working alliance between coaches and parents will be enhanced. Empathy is about being able to communicate with another person as if within their internal viewpoint - to see things with their eyes. An example of empathy and a collaborative rather than confrontational style can be seen in the following dialogue:

THE WORD ON YOUR STREET

What words you use in your language whilst involved in your child’s tennis will significantly impact on your child’s motivational style toward the game. Having the word ‘effort’ as the cornerstone of your ‘tennis language’ will go along way to developing a person who has an assured and healthy approach toward life and tennis. Be careful in using the word ‘should’, for example, “they should have won”, “you should have hit a winner”, etc. Words like ‘should’ and ‘ought’ are verbs of obligation. Players may feel obliged to do things, which are preceded by ‘should’.

EXPLAINING SUCCESS AND FAILURE

How people explain success and failure can have a significant bearing on their self-confidence and their feelings of what they can and can’t control within tennis. It is mentally healthy if you can take responsibility for your actions, rather than making excuses for yourself. When a player has success it is helpful to explain this success to the players’ ability rather than luck or the opponent’s poor play. After experiencing a failure it may be healthy to give reasons for the failure to lack of effort, or inappropriate tactics, both of which are controllable and can be changed. If the reason for the failure is given as lack of ability then it must be stressed that this is ‘current lack of ability’. So the players’ perception of their ability is something that can be controlled and thus improved by themselves.

PRE & POST MATCH TALKS

Logically and simply, pre & post match talks are about the verbal expectations of the parents before the match and the ‘emotional state’ they create within their child. These talks are also concerned with what parents emphasise and the way they feedback information after the match.
Before playing a match, lets look at what a player would like to feel or perhaps how they would like to be. Feelings such as confident, positive, and challenged are often associated with effective and enjoyable performances in sport. A pre-match talk in which emphasis is placed upon what the player can control is therefore significant in increasing confidence. A player does not necessarily have to have confidence in their ability to win the match. What they do need is confidence in their ability to achieve something, which is in their control. Behaviours such as effort, and SMART performance and process goals, should therefore be focused upon.
Before performing, players need to direct their thinking to the ‘process’, or how of what they need to do, rather than the outcome; to control their anxiety or nervous tension; to enhance their self-confidence; and to ensure they have the appropriate level of ‘emotional temperature’. It is therefore helpful if, through pre-match talks, parents can provide PACE to their child before they FACE the opposition.

Process
Anxiety
Confidence
Emotional Temperature

So what might parents and coaches to say to a player before they go on court to provide some PACE to the player before they compete?
Effective pre-match talk (a)

“Challenge yourself and learn”
“Enjoy the challenges you give yourself and learn”.
“Work hard to achieve your goals, and have fun”
“If you give 100%, you can never lose “
“Do you think you can finish the match a better player?”
“On a scale of 1 to 10, how confident are you that you can finish the match a better player?”

Another way of helping the player to go into the match feeling confident, optimally aroused, with the right level of nervous tension and with a competitive, yet ‘personal best’ attitude, is to ask the player a question which will elicit feelings of this ‘emotional mix’ from the player by encouraging them to talk, so verbally persuading themselves about how confident, positive and challenged they are. Questions such as:
Effective pre-match talk (b)

“How do you want to be on court today?”
“What personal strengths and skills do you have that give you some confidence that you will play well today?”
“When are you a really good tennis player?”
“What do you think you can guarantee on court today?”
“What other good things do you think you will you find out about yourself today?
“What do you think you will need to do to finish the match a better player?”

If you really want to win, the most effective way to do this is not to focus on winning! Winning and very good performances need to be broken down into ‘winning behaviours’. These are the ‘building blocks’ of winning, and it is these, whatever they are for the player, that should be emphasised and evaluated.
Performance reviews need to be consistent no matter whether the performance is good or bad, or the outcome is a win or a loss. If your child does not try hard or does not play well, it is important to depersonalise your feedback, so that it is skills and behaviour based rather than personality based. For example, I do not like it when you give up, rather than I don’t like you when you give up. Feedback should be provided about deficiencies in performance, not deficiencies in the person.
You will know when you have got it right in post-match discussions when you are doing more listening than talking. By listening carefully and gently directing the conversation, you will encourage your child to reflect more on what has happened. If your child appears to be working harder than the parent (or coach) and often, realising things about their performance for the first time, then you are on the right track to developing a self-determining person.

MAKING THE JOURNEY

In order to help your child’s journey through tennis to be a satisfying and long-lasting one, encourage them to travel by CAR!

Competence
At every possible opportunity, find ways to make your child feel as though they are competent, not only at tennis but in other activities as well, as this will improve their overall confidence (self-esteem) as well as their specific confidence in aspects of their tennis.

Autonomy
People have a basic human need to be in control of their lives and what happens to them. People are motivated to be what is called “self-determined” – “I do it because I want to!”. It is therefore important that parents encourage their children to be responsible and independent. Avoid making them overly dependent on you. Nurture freedom of choice within your child, by asking for their opinion, and being prepared to listen.

Relatedness
People need to relate to, care for and be related to and cared for by others. Developing relationships with others is an important motive for people

SUMMARY

Parents are prime sources in the development of goals, values, beliefs, and perceptions of their children. They play a critical role in their child’s motivational development. Their role not only involves the quality of their visual and verbal behaviours but also how proactive they are in reinforcing and ‘coming alongside’ the coach, assuming the coach displays the appropriate motivational behavior themselves. If parents can nurture their child’s responsibility, increase their awareness and enhance their self-confidence, then their ‘parent power’ will allow them to empower their child!

Roberto is a coach and a BASES accredited sport psychologist, with a background in professional football. Roberto has coached in the youth Academy at Charlton and Crystal Palace, and at first team level at Palace, Brentford and Brigthon and also worked with England (FA) at Youth Level. He is the Bromley Tennis Academy sport psychologist, and currently acts as a consultant to the Football Association and has delivered Mental Skills training on behalf of the Lawn Tennis Association. He has written a book on Sport Psychology for the Football Association and lectures at Brunel and Greenwich University on the subject. A practical applied psychologist with a passion for performance enhancement.